“…always with you.
I’ll always be with you.
No matter how far you go, or anywhere at all.
I’ll always be there with you.”
Well, that’s what it was. Life gets so monotonous that you sometimes forget to see that one companion that was always there for you. Your other self. Your shadow.
It’s not like you don’t know it’s there. It’s been following you.
Your one true companion.
“I bet you didn’t notice.”
No… Not that. I did. But I don’t know… It’s not something that can be put to words.
Your shadow was always your best friend. You were never alone. As long as your shadow was there, you could stand tall. There was nothing that could stop you.
You always noticed your shadow.
Your shadow was the best. She could take up a grandeur appearance. She covered all your fears. Your worries, your problems. There was nothing she couldn’t conquer.
“But you never thought of her feelings, did you?”
No… That’s not true. She was the greatest. There was nothing that could seize her. She was unstoppable. Yet at the same time, she wasn’t ignorant. She never left you… She never left me.
She wrote like a genius. The most poetic of all. Not Shakespeare, not T.S Eliot, not Oscar Wilde, not even I could win over her songs on paper.
She wrote great novels.
She was a beauty that noone truly saw.
But still, she was the best. She was unstoppable.
“You sound like you’re lying to yourself. Truly, there isn’t a person so perfect and unstoppable.”
I guess you’re right. It does sound too good to be true. Although it wasn’t so, I felt it was so.
Truly, you know that one person. Let it be your role model, your mother, or father. They were so great. Not like those undefeated dragons in folk tales. They were the older sister you always admired. You hated her. You were always jealous. She was always one step ahead. Yet she had her flaws. That never stopped her though. But above all, you loved her. You admired her. You were genuinely happy for her.
“But you still didn’t think of her feelings.”
Okay… Maybe you’re right. I was wrong.
Because in the dark, you don’t see your shadow. She was there, but you couldn’t see her.
She always knew you. She knew you inside out. She was always looking after you.
But that’s what I was afraid of.
Why me? She was capable of so much more.
Even though she was capable of standing on her own, she never forgot you. Not once. Not at all.
But that’s what you were always afraid of.
You loved the laughs,
The ties that you cherished,
The jokes that may have gone too far,
The tears you shared when it was too hard,
The troubles of everyday,
Complaining to each other,
Getting mad at each other,
Missing one another.
But that was her flaw.
She was capable of so much.
Yet she never forgot.
She never forgot you.
The you that you never liked.
The you who would spend hours and hours laying in bed just to stare at the blank space between you and your ceiling instead of following the dreams you once abandoned.
“Why is that so?
Why do you insist on casting away your shadow?”
I was afraid.
“What do you mean?”
I was afraid for her.
She has a long future ahead of her.
I don’t want to abandon her.
Call me selfish, but I can’t do that. I love her too much for it.
“Then what are you afraid of?”
I was afraid… that she would not move ahead without looking back at me.
The me that was so afraid to take a step forward.
The me that’s still hiding in the dark, waiting for the chance to find a new light.
I felt that she would wait.
Wait until I found myself.
But that would take too long.
I never intended to caste her away. I didn’t.
“But she knows how to take care of herself. You need not worry about her.”
I know. I know that more than anyone else.
But I’m still scared. It wouldn’t help if she reassured me. This worry won’t go away.
-I know. You don’t have to keep reminding me.
She loves me.
And I love her.
It’s a bond that can’t be replaced.
Although there are similarities, it will never be the same. No matter how you keep searching.
I don’t intend to replace her.
I can’t do that. She’s too dear.
But I can’t drag her down.
Although bonded by this strong string that we call friendship, we’re not the same.
I never forgot her.
I was afraid.
And I still am.